Mandatory Sunscreen For All (Satire But Probably Not)

Mandatory Sunscreen For All (Satire But Probably Not)
Photo by Daniel Lombraña González / Unsplash

Fellow citizens. After our recent get together in bonny Scotland for the COP26 Climate Change fake crisis planning event, we have decided – without consulting the rest of humanity (because we don't care what you think) – that the time has come to make sunscreen mandatory for all human beings on planet Earth.

And before you ask "But master, how will we know if everyone is wearing their sunscreen? With masks, it was easy to spot the selfish deniers."

Don't worry. We've thought of everything.

All mandatory sunscreen will come in bright blue so that we know who is compliant and who isn't. In this way, the gestapo... oops! I mean law enforcement will easily be able to identify and round up any lawbreakers.

These lawbreakers must be removed from the gene pool as quickly as possible so that they don't overburden the national healthcare services with their "as yet undetected but potentially very costly to treat and deadly" skin cancer.

We must save lives at all cost.

Prevention is everything.

No child shall be left behind.

[This public service announcement is brought to you by Pizzer – the superior pharmaceutical solutions provider that takes full control of your health and everything else in your life so that you don't have to]

The scourge of skin cancer is only going to get worse. We continue to fail in our communal duty to stop all sunshine from getting anywhere near our skin. Don't believe the anti-science liars on the internet pushing harmful medical misinformation about vit-D3. According to the ACDC, Vit-D3 is a deadly toxin and must be avoided at all cost.

Only generous dollops of bright blue sunscreen laced with cancer-causing agents can protect you from deadly skin cancer. The WHOM – that saved us all from Covid and simultaneously eradicated the flu – published it on their website so it must be true.

Cover yourself from head to toe in bright blue carcinogenic sunscreen if you want to stay safe from deadly sunshine and on the right side of the law at all times.

And don't pay any attention to the false news reports from the EFDA that sunscreen products are full of toxic ingredients that actually CAUSE cancer. Don't listen to them. Just listen to us. We're always right. And you're always wrong.

Just look at how Johnson & Johnson Consumer Inc. were demonized when consumers found cancer-causing agents in their popular products...

Benzene is classified as a human carcinogen, a substance that could potentially cause cancer depending on the level and extent of exposure.

But apparently Benzene is everywhere in our environment, so don't let a little Benzene on your skin all day every day throughout the summer lead you to false conclusions. It's all good in the fight to prevent skin cancer. In fact all animals should wear sunscreen too.

While benzene is not an ingredient in any of our sunscreen products, it was detected in some samples of the impacted aerosol sunscreen finished products. We are investigating the cause of this issue, which is limited to certain aerosol sunscreen products.

See... accidental. Could happen to anyone.

Sunscreen use is critical to public health. Melanoma incidences continue to increase worldwide, and the majority of cases are caused by excessive sun exposure. It is important that people everywhere continue to take appropriate sun protection measures, including the continued use of alternative sunscreen.

That's why we've decided to make it mandatory. Just like seat belts that don't prevent accidents and flimsy masks that don't prevent viral infection, we insist on telling you what to do in every aspect of your life because... we can.

By the way... if you are ever caught not wearing bright blue sunscreen – even at home – you know what will happen to you, don't you. So always remember...

Be scared! Be safe! It's the only way to be sure.

And always snitch on your neighbors before they get a chance to snitch on you. If you spot them sunbathing in their backyard ignoring the new government mandates, report them immediately to central control. Do not hesitate because you see them using some other kind of sunscreen such as transparent sprays and such. Only the mandated, bright blue sunscreen containing sophisticated tracking technology is permitted.

How else are we supposed to keep you safe at all times unless we track absolutely everything you do. We tried with webcams, Roombas, smartphones, Amazon Alexa, Microsoft Cortana, Apple Siri, LED light bulbs but it was never enough. Nothing comes close to actually getting in and on the body of every single slave unit... oops! I mean citizen worker in the name of keeping the herd safe. It's much easier for us to have you all watching over each other so we don't have to.

Great. Now that we've made ourselves perfectly clear. And you have fully understood where you stand and what will be expected of you from now on, it's time to address a few little niggles, loose ends, blind spots, and Achilles heels that we've become aware of. We need to nail these suckers down now before you get cocky and try to tell us that our glorious plan has more holes in it than a golf course.

Be Assured: We Will Never Stop Failing Forward

As you may know, the COP26 Climate farce was a total failure. The invited national leaders, celebrity Malthusians, misanthropes, and a little lost girl failed to prevent the coming catastrophe yet again. Despite many attempts to rid the planet of all carbon including human beings and cow farts, we are now looking at Plan B which may involve even more drastic measures. We may have to blow up the whole planet to prevent it from overheating. It's the only way to be sure.

And you can blame our demise on all the climate deniers that, for decades, ignored all the science, all the computer models, all our educational programs in favor of nihilistic fossil fuel propaganda.

We did what we could.

We tried to warn them.

Maybe we didn't scare people enough.

Now the bleating sheep must be fed into the meat grinder for their own good and the good of the entire solar system.

The Glasgow Climate Pact is a step forward, researchers say, but efforts to decarbonize are not enough to limit global temperature rises to two degrees Celsius

We tried to stop the world from getting hotter. We sprayed the skies with metallic nanoparticles in an effort to create as much cloud cover as possible, but to no avail. It was never going to be enough to block out the sun. Plan B was always waiting in the wings, ready to be rolled out, just in case.

And then... the skin cancer. What could we possibly do about the inevitable rise in skin cancer?


We've been running an intense propaganda (fearmongering) campaign for quite some time now as you can see...

While there are also many reasons why rates of skin cancer are climbing, including exposure to outdoor UV radiation and the cumulative damage it causes, we have to be honest about one of the main culprits: the tanning salon boom.

But it appears that the message has not hit the mark, so now we are moving to phase 2 of our operation. Sunscreen will be mandatory for all natural born humans, of all ages and skin colors, in all nations, across the world starting next week. We simply cannot afford to waste any more time as billions of lives are at stake.

And while we may have failed to prevent sunshine from entering the atmosphere and causing havoc, we are not known to leave stones unturned and doors unlocked, so as of next week also, we will be shutting down all tanning salons in the world without exception.

Pride in having an artificially darker skin tone has gone on for far too long setting a bad example for all the youngsters out there.

Cary Grant should have been shunned and shamed for his excessive tanning, stripped of his movie star status, and made to live in a windowless box for the rest of his life.

And George Hamilton is still with us, looking browner than a burnt wiener!

"How dare you George!" cried the little lost girl with the pigtails.

All Hands On Deck

The usual providers of healthcare – our blessed pharmaceutical corporations (where would we be without them?) – will assist the WHOM, the ACDC, and all national governments in our common goal to eradicate skin cancer from the face of the Earth. An aggressive campaign based on zero tolerance is the only thing that will work.

We did have a plan to simply remove all skin from human beings, thereby solving the problem of skin cancer. We ran some models through our best supercomputers and everything was looking great, but after extensive testing on live human subjects we decided against it. The benefit-cost ratio was way off.

We must apply ourselves and be grateful that the pharmaceutical company shareholders at Brownrock and Fanguard took this upon themselves to make it a reality. Without these wonderful people graciously leading us all in the right direction, where would we be? The whole world would have probably died of skin cancer by now. Without a doubt. I mean, just look at the computer models that we had our fellow commie... oops! I mean academic genius, Neil Ferguson over at Imperial College knock up for us in about five minutes of his precious spare time.

[Insert same hockey-stick graph that he used to con everyone on Climate Change and Covid]

If citizens do not respect the new mandates, we will have to take a more aggressive stance. The military will be deployed to ensure that all citizens wear full hazmat protection at all times, even when taking a shower. The combined threats of novel far-more-deadly-than-any-other-disease-in-history Covid-19 variants and Global Warming-accelerated skin cancer are the most serious concerns that we have ever faced.

And we will face them TOGETHER, forever, goddammit.

And they are not fake or invented to make you scared so that we can take over the world. That's bull crap spread by Christians, patriots, conservatives, anyone with their head screwed on right... oops! I mean terrorists.

And no, blood clots are not the biggest cause of disease and death the world has ever seen. That's a blatant lie. The biggest one ever told. In fact, there's no such thing and you should wipe that thought from your mind right now before we send a SWAT team round to your house. Young people falling over clutching their chest is obviously perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. They're all on the wacky weed, don't you know.

You WILL do as you're TOLD!


I'm just making sure you understand that you have no choice here. I am in control of you because I am important and you are not. I am a government bureaucrat and you are not. Understood? Good.

See how easy everything can be when you just do as your told. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.

No, I'm not talking to you as if you're a child. As part of our ongoing inclusivity initiative, I'm lowering my language competence level so that we reach the lowest common denominator among the general public. If not, we'd have to write even more manuals catering for the morons out there as well as all the translations into native languages for millions of American citizens who can't or don't want to speak English.

And don't get me started on visual assistants for the hard of hearing that are mandatory on all media now whether there's any deaf, sign-language literate people in the audience or not. Talk about overkill! But we do apologize for signers that don't actually know sign-language and are just paid to wave their hands around. We simply can't get the staff these days and it's better than nothing. Gotta look like caring, loving liberals in everything we do lest our mask drops for one second and our true nature is revealed in all its depraved, worm-ridden ugliness.

How else would we be able to destroy... oops! I mean diversify American culture beyond all recognition if we were not tolerant of all these measures?

We're not monsters! (Well maybe Fauci is. And possibly Bill Gates. We'll be feeding them to the piranhas when the time comes. But the rest of us are just like you. Honest).

We encourage all people from all over the world to walk in through the southern border which we have left wide open because we're not racist. Bring your different cultures, religions, drugs, weapons, pregnant women, rapists, and serial killers.

We will NOT turn ANYONE away!

We are an open house!

As long as you wear blue sunscreen.

Oh,  and a slave muzzle... oops! I mean regulation PPE.

And all government mandated shots. Every single last one of them. Boosters included.

That's all we ask.

And that's how we like it. Don't look at those other nations that protect their borders and control illegal immigration with an iron fist. They are mean-spirited and one step away from becoming Hitler.

Keep your blinders on.

Only listen to mainstream media.

Go to your wage slave job, take ALL the vaxxines that we generously provide, never stray from the yellow brick road, make more taxes... oops! I mean more money for you to spend on junk you don't need.

Buy lots of stuff.

Keep at it.

Keep at the daily grind.

Never lift your head.

Never think for yourself.

It's dangerous.

There be dragons everywhere outside the cities. Never leave the cities.

And above all else... slap on that government mandated bright blue sunscreen every day for the rest of your life. Because your life and the life of every citizen depends on it.

Do not falter in this time of great need, citizen. Stand firm. Be loyal to your owners... oops! I mean your representatives in high places. Pay no attention to the selfish, deviant, dark minds of those with the blackest of hearts that do everything in their power to corrupt you and shape you in their image.

Soon, my friends, we shall deal with the weak-minded, the anti-science fiends, the demonic liars and frauds that peddle their nonsense contradicting our genius in charge and soon to be ordained Saint... Lord Anthony Fauci, who has never been wrong about anything in his entire blessed life.

These anti-social, pro-life, haters of the Holy Vaxx, Covid deniers, climate criminals, Christians and patriots are generally the nastiest people that have ever lived. Don't worry, they will soon be in the minority retreating to their "homesteads" and doomsday bunkers. Let them run. We shall remain in our towering citadels where GM food and medicine will be free for all nanotech-chipped, vaxxed citizens, on permanent blood-thinning medication, signalling their virtue to each other and proudly wearing their blue sunscreen – the ultimate symbol of caring – as they go about their business, indoors and out, forever and ever, amen.

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